How to introduce kinky sex into your relationship

Introduction

 

Whether you have a new fantasy that you want to explore with your partner or a lifetime fetish that you've kept hidden, sharing your sexual desires can be intimidating and uncomfortable. How do you even bring that up? What if they don't want to try it? And if they do... what then? Won't it be awkward? What if they hate it and never want to try it again?

 

These are all valid and important questions to consider before you attempt to introduce kinky sex to a relationship. But more important is for you to recognize that there's nothing heinous about a kink that involves two consenting adults. Many people feel ashamed about their fantasies, whether it's BDSM, watersports, group sex, pegging, or any of the thousands of PornHub searches that are shamefully deleted from browser histories. You shouldn't feel like a "bad" person just because you have an interest in something other than vanilla sex. Kink is a great way to spice up a relationship, bring it to the next level, and explore sexuality with your partner.

 

When you're ready to pursue your kinky interests with your partner, there are four critical steps to guide your endeavour: communication, research, crafting your scene, and aftercare. We'll go over each of these in detail below so that you and your partner can share a fulfilling new sexual experience.

 

Communication

 

First you need to check in with yourself. What exactly are you expecting to happen between you and your partner? It's one thing to have an private fantasy during masturbation, but not all fantasies translate well to real life. For instance, the idea of many partners having their way with your body may seem exciting in theory, but could be overwhelming in reality. Know what you are looking for so that it's easier to communicate that to your partner.

 

With that in mind, here are some Do's and Don'ts for discussing your interests with your partner:

 

Don't broach the subject immediately before or during sex. This can backfire in two ways. Your partner may feel pressured to try it, resulting in them having a bad time and not wanting to try it again. Or they may impulsively say no, because it hasn't been fully discussed yet, and you may feel like you can't bring it up again.

 

Do write an email, text message, or letter if you don't feel comfortable discussing it in person. This gives you an opportunity to compose your thoughts and even many even construct a steamy fantasy that will excite your lover.

 

Don't get drunk before your conversation. Many things are (seemingly) easier with a little liquid courage, but it can dilute the focus of your discussion. You want your partner sober as well so that they are able to share their genuine feelings. A glass of wine to take the edge off may not go amiss, but make sure that you are clear-headed.

 

Do ask your partner about their fantasies. It can be a lot easier to open up about your desires if your lover has confided theirs. Think of your conversation as an intimate learning experience as you get to know new parts about each other. Show them how open-minded you are and let them know what parts of their fantasy you might be excited to try.

 

Don't tiptoe around the subject. If you ask a question like, "Hey, just curious what you think of...?" or "Have you ever heard of...?" they may not pick up on your interest and give a society-programmed response. The last thing you want is for your partner to laugh or express disgust in a kink, simply because they're afraid of how you might react if you knew they were curious about it.

 

Do be direct. Let them know YOU are curious about it and would be interested in trying it. Tell them, "I think it would be really hot if we... is that something you would be interested in trying?" If you absolutely have to, present it as a dream you had that really turned you on.

 

Don't act like you're ashamed of it. Again, it's nothing that you should be ashamed of. For one thing, you can't help how you feel! And for another thing, it's perfectly normal to have kinks and fetishes. If you say something like, "I know it's really disgusting," or "I'm so embarrassed," then you are setting them up to mirror your response.

 

Do be confident and present it as something fun to try. You want them to be as excited to try it as you are! Try watching a little porn together or read them an erotic story so that they have a clear idea of what your fantasy is. Shop online for sex toys together and decide which ones would be fun to play with.

 

Don't expect your partner to know their role. If you want your partner to be dominant, they may have no idea what that entails. Tell them how sexy it would be for them to, for instance, restrain and spank you or call you names. Or if the roles are reversed, tell them how much it would turn you on for them to obey your commands or act give you a reason to punish them.

 

Do be clear about Hard No's. Make sure your partner knows what you are NOT into and NOT willing to try, and know those things about them. For some, it may be as, "If you tie me down, you absolutely cannot tickle me." Others may draw the line at face slapping, choking, or certain bodily secretions. Many couples find it helpful to each draw up a list with three columns: things they want to try, things they might be okay with, and things they absolutely will never try.

 

Don't give your partner an ultimatum. This shouldn't have to be said, but don't make your partner feel like they HAVE to fulfill your kinky fantasies in order to make you happy. Coercion is not consent. Respect their boundaries.

 

Do be prepared to compromise. If they aren't interested in exactly what you are, or if they have a Hard No that was something you would have liked to try, you have to accept that and move forward. Find something you're both into and be open to exploring kinks you might not have thought about before.

 

Finally, be prepared to be turned down. Check in with yourself again and decide how important this kink is to your satisfaction in your relationship and your quality of life. Are you satisfied with your current sex life? Is this just a little fantasy you were curious about or an integral part of your sexuality? Can your relationship survive without it? Be honest with yourself and accept that YOU are the one who has to make a decision at that point, not your partner.

 

However, if your partner is on board to get kinky, it's time to move on to step two!

 

Research

Too often, we begin an endeavour without adequate preparation and realize, too late, that we should have read the instruction manual. When human bodies are involved, it's even more important to ensure that you know what you're doing, particularly if you ever want to try it again.

 

Fortunately, the internet is a bottomless pit of information on whatever you're interested in, and there are guide books available online and in bookstores that cover just about any topic you can imagine. Whether it's something as simple as handcuffs, as common as anal, or as intense as rope bondage, it's important that you thoroughly read up on your kink.

 

Regardless of whether you're the top, bottom, Dominant, or submissive, don't assume that your partner will do the research. Make sure that you share what you discover so that you're both on the same page. The goal is to impress your lover with your knowledge and skill, so don't half-ass it!

 

We all know that porn isn't an accurate depiction of real sex, so don't rely on it for anything more than inspiration for bringing your fantasies to life. Similarly, don't just watch Fifty Shades of Grey and then make your partner sign a contract. Again, not an accurate depiction of BDSM! No shortcuts.

 

The most important thing to look into is safety. In kink, there are two acronyms used to describe the only types of activity that should occur: SSC, meaning that everything is Safe, Sane, and Consensual; or RACK, meaning Risk Aware Consensual Kink. The difference between the two is that RACK recognizes that some kinks are not entirely safe, so it's important that you're aware of the risks.

 

Again, even if you're playing with a "no-brainer" toy like handcuffs you're still going to have to use your brain (Sorry). Standard handcuffs run the risk of cutting off circulation and causing nerve damage with the hard edges. A set of wrist cuff restraints are safer and more comfortable.

 

If it's anal play that you're experimenting with, recognize that anal sex is nothing like vaginal sex. If you don't do it right (adequate lube, preparation, and patience), chances are that you won't do it again. And if you're drawn to the beautiful aesthetic of shibari rope bondage, always keep shears nearby in case of emergency and start small. Don't even think about suspension until you've mastered basic knots and harnesses.

It's not just safety, however, that you'll want to look into. Tips and tricks can turn an "okay" experience into one that keeps your partner cumming back for more! If watersports or sploshing is your thing, keep the mess contained with a massage sheet that you can use on the floor or over your bed. If you're thinking about impact play, consider which tool to use for the sensation your partner is interested in, and figure out where to hit for maximum pleasure. Can't get anal off your mind? Having a sex toy for the bottom to use, such as a clitoral vibrator or a stroker, can help them relax their muscles and make all the difference.

 

When you're confident that you've prepared for any possible dangers, and you know how to get the maximum pleasure out of your kink for both you and your partner, proceed to step three!

 

Crafting a Scene

At this point you're probably feeling a bit nervous about how this is going to play out. Is it going to be awkward? What are you supposed to say? What if your partner laughs at you? These are normal concerns that may only go away with time and experience, but until then, there are a few cheats that can ease the nerves. No, alcohol is not one of them. You will want to have a full grip of your senses in order to perform well and ensure a good time for both of you.

 

Take things slow. You don't have to go balls-to-the-wall on your first time (in fact, you probably shouldn't). Introduce elements of your kink during regular sex. Start with a little dirty talk, telling your partner what you would like to do to them. Add a spanking with your hand here and there before you introduce a flogger, crop, or paddle. Test out your vibrating panties around the house during chores before wearing them out on your dinner date. Try a light BDSM kit before investing hardcore headwear.

 

When you're ready to fully immerse yourself in your kink, start by setting the atmosphere. This may or may not include candles and rose petals... that's your call. However, getting dressed up can get you in the mood by playing into your kink or simply by making you feel sexy. Whether it's a naughty costume, lingerie, or black-tie attire is up to the two of you. Encourage your partner to wear something that makes them feel confident.

 

Put on music that goes along with the atmosphere you're creating. Marvin Gaye has his time and place, but your Master/slave roleplay may not be it. Consider options that may be outside your usual tastes, whether that's jazz, heavy metal, rap, or classical. You might play a porno in the background if your partner is comfortable with it. The added sound can go a long way in easing the tension as you get kinky. One of you can even wear headphones to experiment with sensory deprivation, with the added benefit of not having to think of what to say to one another.

 

Along those lines, a blindfold for the bottom or submissive can simultaneously help them embrace their role, as well as detract from any feelings of awkwardness. With one partner blindfolded and fully focused on sensation, the other won't have to worry about looking silly. However, it also immediately changes the power dynamic, setting a standard for trust that cannot be overstated. It can be exciting to be left in suspense of what your partner will do next, but it can also be scary.

 

If you did even a halfway decent job on your research, you know that a safeword is a non-negotiable in kink. Agree upon one with your partner before you begin, and remember that either one of you can use it. It's a good idea to stay away from words like "stop," "no," or "don't," as they can mean something different in kink than they do anywhere else. The most common system is using Red to mean, "stop the scene right now," and Yellow to mean, "this is going in a direction that I'm getting uncomfortable with," without stopping the scene entirely. However, saying Green can mean, "I'm okay now," or even, "yes yes yes, more of that please!"

 

If you're playing with a gag or something that will impair someone's speech, make sure that you have a gesture designated to stop play, such as having the gagged partner hold an object that they drop to signify the safeword.

 

Vocalize your arousal. Let your partner know how sexy they look, or how good what they're doing feels. By seeing and hearing how turned on you are, your partner is more likely to be turned on and want to try it again.

 

Make sure that they are deriving pleasure from the scene. If you're being pegged by a female partner, try using a harness that has a vibrating bullet on the inside, or a strapless strapon that penetrates them. If you're domming a partner, be sure to bring them to climax, possibly with a powerful wand vibrator or a stroker machine for forced orgasm. Don't forget you can still be intimate, kissing and touching sensually as your play progresses.

 

Check in throughout the scene. This can mean asking, "what's your color?" if you're uncertain of how your partner is feeling (they would respond with green, yellow, or red), or it can mean simply reading their body language. It doesn't have to stop the scene entirely. Asking, "You like that?" or reminding them to use their safeword if they need to can sound authoritative and sexy.

 

Finally, embrace the awkwardness. Don't expect it to be perfect your first time, or even your 100th time. You may giggle. Your partner may giggle. Your partner may decide halfway through that they don't like a certain element, and you have to change things up. Don't feel like you have to assume the role of Christian Grey and be the stoic sociopath. Do kink YOUR WAY, and find your own unique style and rhythm. It may not be exactly like you imagined in your head, but just remember that it's supposed to be fun.

 

When it's all said and done... well, you're not done yet! Move onto the final step:

 

Aftercare

 

No scene is ever complete without aftercare. This is the transition period that allows both of you to return from the heat of the moment to your normal mindset. In BDSM, a submissive can go through a "sub drop" when the scene is over, butthe symptoms can be felt by a dom as well, and across the full spectrum of kinks. During play, you will likely experience a rush of adrenaline and endorphins as your body and/or mind are pushed to new limits, and the comedown can even feel like a hangover. Less intense scenes will require less aftercare, but it's still important to recover both physically and mentally.

 

Both partners may experience symptoms such as nausea, headache, dizziness, or lethargy. Make sure that you both drink plenty of water to rehydrate your body. Having snacks on hand that are high in natural sugars, such as fruit, is a good way to remedy a drop in blood sugar.

 

The submissive, bottom, masochist, or partner who is on the receiving end of the kink may feel sore from any impact play, uncomfortable positions, bindings, penetrations, or strenuous activity. Be sure that all injuries receive proper care, whether it's rubbing a soothing ointment over a bright red bum, or massaging aching muscles. The dominant, top, sadist, or partner who is delivering the action, however, may experience physical pain and require aftercare as well, for instance from the repetitive swing of a flogger. Aren't you glad that massage wand is still plugged in?

 

If you or your partner got a little dirty (in the literal sense of the word) during play, consider taking a relaxing bath or shower together. This does triple the work as it will also feel good on sore muscles and provide intimacy that may have felt like it was missing during your scene.

 

Both partners can get so immersed in their roles that, afterwards, they can feel disconnected from one another. A masochist can feel humiliated, and a sadist can feel guilty. A bottom can feel unloved, and a top can feel withdrawn. Aftercare ensures that these emotions are handled properly so that both parties might consider having another go sometime.

 

Give your partner intimate contact, such as cuddling or even sensual love-making. Get comfortable in PJs and watch a movie in bed together or take a much-needed nap. Remember that you don't have to be sexy anymore. This is your time to unwind and be grateful for each other's openness to share your bodies for a new experience.

 

Which brings us back to communication. Tell your lover what you enjoyed, offering words of encouragement about what they were really good at, but also discuss the things that you weren't crazy about. You don't want to be secretly holding onto thoughts like, "I really didn't like being called that name..." Be gentle with any criticism, though; remember that you're both still in a vulnerable state.

 

You may need to check back in a few days to discuss any unpleasant moments that stuck around. By that time your body will have returned to its normal chemistry and if either of you are still feeling any bruising (to your body or ego) you'll be able to decipher if you like the souvenier or not. With any luck, you'll be able to form a plan for next time!

 

Conclusion

Opening up to your partner about a kinky inclination can seem like a daunting task, but to some it's essential to maintaining a happy sex life. It's important that you don't feel that your desires are something to be ashamed of, or a "dark side" that needs to be hidden.

 

Be direct and honest with your partner about what you would like to try with them. Present it as something exciting that you're interested in sharing, and find out what fantasies they have. Don't expect them to be completely on board with your kink. You may need to take baby-steps or compromise. Shop for sex toys together. Respect their boundaries and never give them an ultimatum. If they see an opportunity to turn you on, that may turn them on as well.

 

Read up on your kink so that you know you're putting your best foot forward. Impress your lover with your knowledge and ability. The last thing you want to do is ignore a safety measure and get one of you hurt. The goal is to get your partner on the same page as you, and they'll be much more excited about trying it again if you've done your research on tips and tricks. Sorry, but porn and erotica alone won't cut it (although they can be fun to enjoy together).

 

When the time comes to bring your fantasy to life, make sure you have a safeword! Make sure you both feel confident and sexy, and feel free to use a blindfold or turn on some music to ease the tension. Take things slow with dirty talk or tamer sex toys. Check in with your partner to make sure they are okay with what's happening and receiving pleasure. If things get awkward, role with it and enjoy yourself. Remember that this is supposed to be a fun experience. It doesn't have to be so serious.

 

Finally, show your lover your appreciation when it's all over, and make sure that you get the appreciation that you deserve. Help each other recover both mentally and physically: discuss what worked and what didn't, sooth each other's aching bodies, and nourish yourselves with food, water, relaxation, and love. When all is said and done, you and your partner may feel more connected than ever before, with a deeper level of intimacy and trust that you were able to experience thanks to your kinky desires.