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How to Handle a Sex Drive Mismatch


When you're in a relationship, how do you keep your sex life...alive? It's not always as simple as spicing things up with some kinky bondage gear  (although that can certainly help). Frequently a difference in sex drives can be the cause of unrest in the bedroom.


How many times have we heard (tasteless) jokes about marriage being the end of sex?


Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?


A: Her wedding cake.

Ha ha, very funny.


Although people may joke about it, a libido mismatch can be no laughing matter. If not handled properly it can undermine the relationship, but if handled well it can result in a stronger relationship.


How to handle a low sex drive, high sex drive mismatch


It's not just married couples, or even those who have been together for a long time, that experience incompatibility due to libido. And it's not just women who lose interest in sex. It’s common, and there's nothing shameful about a man who isn't as horny as his partner.


However, a happy relationship depends on a number of elements: communication, trust, respect, and often sex! You can't force your partner, or yourself, to be turned on at all the right times and frequencies. Forming a "sex is my duty" mentality will not only harvest resentment, but also can raise issues of consent. So how do you maintain a healthy sexual relationship when one partner has a lower sex drive?


The answer is shockingly simple: Sex toys & communication.

Yeah, it can really be that easy.  


Introducing an exciting, new accessory to the bedroom always has the possibility of piquing your partner's interest as they witness your states of arousal, but it also makes it a lot easier for them to get involved. Let's be honest, we all feel a sense of pride after making our partner orgasm.


Furthermore, becoming the master of one's own sexuality by finding fulfilment with a toy can free both partners from the guilt that can weigh down a relationship. In the case of a (female-bodied person) woman with a higher libido than her partner, a vibrator can be a quick fix empowering her to be in control of her own satisfaction.


Masturbating for her partner can trigger their excitement, but even if it doesn't get them in the mood to get it on, it can be fun to use the toy on her, whether it's a full-sized massage wand, a dildo, or even a small bullet vibe. Whether she prefers clitoral stimulation, or something inside her a rabbit vibrator or other dual function vibrator can offer the best of both worlds.  No matter what toy you choose, the sexual connection is still taking place between the two of them, rather than the woman having to wait for her partner to fall asleep before "mixing mac and cheese" under the covers (you have to imagine that sound in your head to get it).

What if it's a woman who has the lower sex drive?


Vibes and other sex toys can still be a great way to get the engine revved up. Foreplay is an essential part of sex, particularly for females, and what could require less effort than pushing the "on" button? Even if it doesn't lead to penetrative sex, mutual masturbation can often lead to more fulfillment for both parties (don't be offended-- a car gets you places faster than your feet). But if it's still not getting her there, she can be easily and effectively engaged in the sex act by simply using a toy on her partner, delighting in their satisfaction.


So what about men and male-bodied people with higher sex drives? A male masturbator, also known as a pocket pussy (although they can also be an anus, a mouth, or just about anything else), or a stroker can make masturbation a vag-illion times better. However handing your favorite masturbator over to your partner can create an alternative to penetrative sex that requires a blowj-illion times less effort than oral sex. A little lube and a steady wrist-rhythm create an entertaining sensual experience for both partners.


Of course don’t forget about prostate massagers! Whether you're just curious about a finger in the booty or you're a full-on strap-on enthusiast, if you and your partner are comfortable with back-door exploration, it can be a sexual experience you share that doesn't require a high sex drive from either partner. Men who have a difficult time getting it up due to age or medical issues can still enjoy the sensual benefits of prostate stimulation, and even have a prostate orgasm! It isn’t called the male g-spot for nothing.


Sex toys can't replace sexual interactions with another person, but they can enhance them. If you're using a toy on your partner, or vice versa, it's important to remember that you're not masturbating them - your having a different kind of sex with them. Hopefully you're familiar with what your partner likes (if not, it's time to have the talk), so remember to engage with them in other ways. Eye contact, dirty talk, light caresses, or a nipple tweak here and there can make the difference between a "meh" orgasm and a "holy cow" orgasm.

Communicate & Stimulate


Don't sacrifice your relationship because of a difference in sex drives. Don't let your libido be a cause for guilt. Sex doesn't have to look any certain way for it to be meaningful and fulfilling between you and your partner.


Being responsible for your own satisfaction can allow you to play with each other and make sex fun again. What could be more fun than using a couple of new sex toys to put the spark back into your sex life?


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